Climb the fence. Books and pens.

Fall is here.

A new season, and another page turned.

As Hurricane Sandy swept in with heavy rains and strong winds I feel it has taken with her the last bit of summer remaining.

and I am thankful.

With the birth of our daughter in the middle of Spring came the new beginning we had eagerly anticipated. But as the summer came on hot, heavy, stagnant, so did life.

It was hard.

Our daughter did not have it easy.
Two hour stints of sleeping. For months.
She was starving for the first three weeks of life, steadily losing weight. But the pressure of nursing your baby was so immense on so many levels and from so many people, that the guilt set in beyond words can describe.
I was in regular , burning pain, worse than labor, for three months.
I lived on the couch with my daughter on my chest for two months straight.
I did not move until David got home.
David worked longs days.
I was away from the people who believe in me most- my family.
As a new mother I heard nothing but advice on how to "fix my days."
I couldn't have a good cry without someone screaming the words hormonal.
I couldn't say that it was a rough day with out being diagnosed.
Farm life was hell.
My chicks were killed. Slowly and steadily. (this may seem like nothing to most but these were hatched from my favorite hen. They were born soon after Rev was. They were the little light on the dark days to watch with my daughter.)
Hens were killed by a hawk.
More chicks died.
Hens got sick.
Thought we had to cull the flock.
Bee's swarmed.
Hives failed.
The life on the farm that seemed so promising seemed to be diminished in a passing night.
Opposition from came from all places that I never thought it would come from, and that was the hardest.
I missed my family.
I was pressured in "how to be."
Pressured into "holding it together."
Pressured into "getting out."
Pressured into "being normal."
Pressured into what felt like everything.

It was really hard. And I do not expect anyone to understand.

But something is changing.
Slowly like the season creeping in
And now fiercely like the hurricane that made in way thru.

I woke up feeling refreshed today. Somewhat new, again. A realization has occurred. That in the popularity contest that is life I don't really care who I win with, as long as I always get most popular with my daughter.  The "things," that seemed so important even a year ago are now so trivial.  I wasted much time crying and being sad in the first months of my daughters life from these things that are now so trivial. I wish I could take that all back. I wish that it wasn't classified as being a hormonal girl. I wish people could see that it was a hard summer, on top of bringing a life into this world.  There was ALOT of stress. I didn't have a chance to relax into Mother hood. I wasn't allowed to relax. No one seemed to understand that I was a new Mom, and I had no idea what I was doing.  Let me be new. Let me figure out this whole new life. Let me be.

Now this isn't to take away from anyone suffering. I realize that what was hard for me would be a breeze to others, and I want to acknowledge that.  My bravery and courage would be minute in comparison to some I know suffering harder....this entry is to just be what I said I would be- honest and open. Personal to me. Available for you to read. That is all.

So like the Hurricane that ripped the summer leaves from the branches of strong standing trees last night, so has the heavy summer weight been ripped from my shoulders.

As the trees realize the need to dig their roots down, reach for the sun, and bloom in glory each new year, so have I realized to do the same.

I do not want to be one of those weak trees struggling amoungst the others in the forest reaching for a bit of sun. I do not want to be poorly set in soil.  I do not want to fall with the slightest bit of breeze.

I want to be the strong oak we have in our yard- our farm logo- that stands tall and firm in its place.  In movable by any opposition. Confident in its stance.

Quality not quantity.

Don't let me be a tree that drowns in the forest of other trees all trying to be the greatest.

Let me stand alone.

Let me be these things for our daughter to see.
Let her know that she is a gift given by God to us.
Let her know that she can stand tall and proud.
Let her know she does not need to be in a forest of others in order to fit in.
Let her be her.

As a Mom now, and really for the first time, realizing whats important its definitely the motto quality not quantity that sums it up.

The quality I see is in my family. My Mom, my StepMom, my Mother in law, and all their amazing advice, and love, compassion, and understanding. Their inability to judge.
The quality I see is in my husband for his hard work, his care and tenderness, his words full of love, his strongness.
The quality I see is the gift given to us by God. This little bundle of beauty, who is intelligent, healthy, vigorous and vocal. Who eyes and smile look so much like the person I fell head over heels for. That smile passed on has made me fall head over heels again.

The quality I feel is from God.
His unshakable love for even your darkest of hours. His bright light he keeps shining for you to seek when it is dark. He is the warmth of the fire on a cold day. "There to ignite your bones, and carry you home."

This entry I again say, is simply to state the feelings I have. They are mine to have, and share. That is all. I now know that its ok to have these feelings. Its ok to express them. Its ok not to hide behind them. And its ok to share them to others who might get something good out of them.

I welcome fall with open arms.

 I welcome the cold wind, and its cleansing of the stillness of summer.

 I welcome the warmth that is in our home<3