Take Five.

How I feel before I write.

How I feel during writing.

Pretty cool huh?  I can feel like both- a rock star and a man! Yes ladies don't lie to yourselves. Sometimes you have felt like a man. Whether you changed your own tire, or dug a hole in the dirt- or even drank coffee black- you have at one point happened to feel like a man. Mine just happens to be a rock star man before I write.

And yes, during writing I feel like an empowered black woman, who happens to be named Beyonce.  even my legs at this moment feel her size so its possible that (while NOT looking in the mirror-) I might actually be channeling an inner Beyonce.  My hair at times can be pretty big. I even sing JUST like her in the car with the windows rolled up and no one else on the road.

So what does this have to do with "farm," life?

Let me tell ya.

This blog was design (by google) and with the purpose of "giving an honest and humble view of farm life." And I emphasize that fact.  In the past post I have been VERY honest at what is going on in life. Not all times I have stuff to write about that has to do with our animals. Sometimes I don't feel like writing about them because I may be pretty discouraged that some chickens have died and I don't know why- or the fact that after last weekend my hens have abruptly stopped laying. Why? I don't know. But yah. Sometimes I DON"T want to write those things.  Other times I want to write about what emotions I am going thru. New things I'm learning as I come into Motherhood. And those involve both good and bad emotions. But truthful emotions. This is a space for me to share those feelings freely- honestly- and humbly. And that is what I really, really, like to do.
Honest.

The past two weeks have been extremely difficult for me. Emotionally that is. (men block your ears)  I am unable to nurse. That I have talked about on fb pretty clearly. And you know what- I'm really ok with that now. I don't need to fix anything. I don't need to talk about it. It took all of these three months to finally realize it. But I now know. Its ok. I am not poisoning my baby with formula. In fact my baby has never been healthier. You try nursing your child only to have her throw it all up within moments. Screaming for hunger pains. Then give her a bottle and watch her slowly drift off into the most comfortable sleep she's had in days.  You try it. Then judge. I love Gerber. Gerber loves my baby. I am grateful to have freed her of the "need," and "pressure," to breastfeed. Cause you know what. Only my husband and I know whats best for the baby God has give us. And bottle it be.

Now all that being said (men continue to block ears) hormones (ahhhhhh!!!) have flooded back in.     I was a blissfully happy pregnant woman.  But as breastfeeding fully comes to a halt hormones charge forth. And that's a little scary.  But after having a baby you can't have a good cry- or even eat a gallon of ice cream without someone telling you about how your hormones are affecting you. You know what? I'm well aware of what hormones are doing. I have been pretty aware since I was a young girl. If I need a good cry let me have it......and say a couple prayers for my amazing husband:)

Not that these hormones are outrageous. They are just back. I AM a woman you know. Sometimes I don't feel like smiling when I'm in a room full of people. Sometimes I like to sit back and listen. (that's for you Kittens Mittens)That doesn't mean anything more. I am not unhappy. I just don't sit around smiling like an idiot at all times.

So whats good for me to do during times where I'm contemplating shaving my head (thinking that might be a good idea) and feeling a bit weepy?  Write.
Yes ladies and Gentlemen.
Write.

You ever have a diary when you were a child?Well blogging is modern day adult diaries. This time though they have been unlocked and left opened and encouraged to read. You won't get in trouble reading someones diary nowadays.

So I started to do that. Two weeks ago. When it all came out.

I started to write on my blog.
I wrote all over facebook.
Crap-  might have even tagged a few walls down in D.C. one night.
I wrote it all out.

The loneliness I felt.
The fatigue.
The utter, unavoidable joy that explodes in your heart when your baby smiles at you.
The distance I felt from my family.
Then the anger.

Yes anger.
I am a Christian, but that does not make anger unavoidable. It just makes it firey hot at bad times.

I upset some people.
I backed down.
I apologized.
I upset some more.
I apologized more.
I cried.
I wanted to hide.
I had no place to hide.
I stopped writing.
Tore down all my favorite posters on my wall.
Started to question the who am I
Tossed aside favorites.
Stopped hitting like
Status updates were no longer updated.
No more diary entries.
No more sharing.
No more honesty.
No more humbleness.
No more.

So what then.
what did I have, to write on.
My diary had been burnt up.
Traded with someone for one more cup of coffee to get my energy out.
I froze.

Then one morning I awoke to a facebook message from a distant friend.  She told me that she actually had time to write me a message (and I understood the time thing:) ) and I was prepared to read something not good.  I was fully ready. Gut in gear. To read how I might have upset another....

It wasn't that.
 In fact-
It was about how I helped her.
I did?!
I helped her by "being real."
Me?
Real?!
...........
I kinda burst at that moment.
You mean someone was listening?
Someone read my diary, all of my diaries, and was ok with them.
Bliss.

Bliss captured in a picture.

Remember that saying back in kindergarten- "Mind your own beeswax?"
Yah that one that's equivalent to "Go Fahck yuself." (read out loud my Non New Englander Friends- it really does help to understand:) )

Yah that saying was pretty crappy to have thrown at you. But back 25 years ago there WAS such a thing  as "minding ones own beeswax."  If someone told you to do it- It meant "get the hell out of my business."

But you see you can't really say that to anyone in today's world. Not with facebooktumblrblogginggoogleplusyahoochatsyouallknowmyfavoritebrandofunderwearandwhoithinkisthemostawesomeestbandatthemomentkindofworld.  No not when you upload a picture of your every move and then tag yourself at each location of your house that you are in.  Nope. Can't mind your own beeswax. Not anymore.

But lets clarify that for a moment.  And I will use the help of several thousand of my golden gal friends.
The bees.

You see in the hive wax just doesn't magically appear.  It doesn't sprout from trees and flowers outside. It isn't gathered by a glittery fairy and dropped off in the dead of night to the bees hive doorstep.  No. It comes from their gut.

Huh?
Yup. Their gut.

Wax is produced on the belly of the bee.
Its something that naturally happens on a day to day basis.
The bees have to remove their wax.
The bee's in order to get rid of their wax. Scrape the wax off their belly and share it with the rest of their hive.
They put it to use.
They use it to put tops on the honeycomb in order to store the goods.
they use it to blanket the baby bee's.
They use it for comb.
They use it to build a stronger hive.
Its a communal thing.
Not private.
Bee's never mind their own beeswax.
They share.
So really the bee's were the first to log onto a facebook kind of world if you think about it.

I realized this last night when me and my husband went to the fair.  Naturally we had to go see the bee exhibit as we have a friend that runs it.  At the exhibit there was beeswax of all kinds on display. Some light, some fragrant, some golden as the sun, and some dark.
Yes their is dark wax.
That's usually voted as the "not so good wax."
huh?

You see when wax gets judge at the fair its usually the lightest one in color that gets first place.  The more pure looking and whiter in color the better quality it must be!  The darker the wax the poorer quality it is.
But you see when wax is that light and pure, the bee keeper who processed it took out all it impurities. They rendered it to the point of "perception of pureness."  All the realness taken out. No pollen mixed in. No honey drippings exposed. No bee parts. Just pure white wax.
Where's the realness? Where is that wax scraped from the bee's belly?
Gone.
But its the whitest of the wax that wins?
The less real?
The one that's rendered to be almost fake looking?
The one that's processed to the point of being of quality that everyone is comfortable with?
You mean no one is comfortable to touch wax that has pollen, honey, and bee parts in it?........even though that's the real one? Yes that white wax IS beautiful, lovely, almost magical. Who doesn't like it? For real.....its very stunning stuff.
But for real- the real is to amaze....

You see the irony is, that the bee's don't mind their own wax. And we don't either. We don't like to. Its not human nature to do so. Facebook allows us to mind everyone else beeswax. And we often enjoy it. It builds a community.  Sometimes there is other wax that we don't like, but all in all its still wax. Its still scraped from the bellies of our other bee friends and used in some sort. But if we then take that beeswax- render it- process it to the point of oblivion. Take out allllll the realness, juuust so everyone likes what they see, touch, feel and taste. Where then is the good stuff gone to?

My friends.

Love who God made you to be.

If that is someone who enjoys something that not everyone else does- so be it.
If that means to like a baseball team that other people think suck. So be it.
If it means you like to eat peanut butter out of the jar when no one is looking so be it.

Be yourself.
Be who God made you to be.
Cause you know what- theres gonna be alot of people in this world who don't love you. But He does.
And that's what really matters.  Not whether someone disagrees with what you might be doing on this fine Saturday, but whether God thinks your a pretty cool chick.


So thank you to my friend who in the past sent me a sweet gift of beeswax candles (no lie) thank you for sharing in the beeswax with me. Thank you for letting me know that God thinks I'm a pretty cool chick. You have done more for my courage in the past moment than I could ever fully explain.  Much love to you and Peace from the Father above<3

So lets then- continue to share our beeswax in this community we choose to have. Lets share and if there is some that is not the color you so like. Just pass it by. Its someone else's wax that they need to scrape from their belly.